


Caught Between the Past and the Future

by aflawedfashion



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Femslash, Post-Series, Some Snuggling, but there's nothing too explicit about it, so i guess you could read it as friendship if you thought xena and gabby were just friends, they're committed and talking about their future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 09:45:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11101974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: On the anniversary of the fall of the Earth Republic, the entire town of Defiance is celebrating, but Berlin and Irisa don't feel right about joining the party. Luckily, they can turn to each other with their conflicting emotions.





	Caught Between the Past and the Future

Irisa dropped her fork to the table, her fingers practically twitching as she fought the urge to reach for the knives strapped to her back. There was no sense in pretending to eat after the men at the next table had killed her appetite. The only thing she could focus on was Berlin's vacant face and glassy eyes. She looked like her mind was lost in another world, but her body was rigid, and Irisa knew she was acutely aware of every word hurled from the next table.

“Chupping E-Rep,” one of the men shouted as he pounded his fists into the table. “I don’t care how many people had to die to rid our town of those fascist bastards. I’d have lined them up and shot every last one of them myself!”

“To the fall of the E-Rep!” his friend shouted as they clanked their glasses together so loudly that Irisa nearly flinched, expecting their glasses to shatter in their hands. “May they rot in hell!” 

Irisa’s face was burning with frustration as she fought the urge fly from her seat and flip their table over. She held no respect for what the Earth Republic did to people, to this town, but as the men talked, she pictured them lining up Berlin and Poole and holding a gun to their heads, shooting people she cared about. During moments like these, she missed the days when she wouldn't have thought twice about throwing a knife through their appetizers as a warning. Berlin, however, simply set her glass on the table, picked up her fork, and began taking small, even bites of her food as if she were a robot running through the motions. Irisa started to wonder if Berlin even remembered she wasn’t alone at the table.

“I set one’s car on fire once,” one of the men slurred with pride. “Owner wasn’t inside, but you can’t win every battle.”

The table erupted with laughter, and Berlin finally flinched, her humanity showing through her facade.

“Don't listen to them.” Irisa placed her hand over Berlin’s. “They're assholes.”

“I know.” She squeezed Irisa’s hand. “But that’s how everyone in this town talks, and I can't ignore everyone. It's getting too exhausting trying.”

“You don't have to ignore everyone. You know you have friends in this town.”

“Friends like Amanda?”

“Of course.” Irisa frowned. She didn't know what Amanda could have done to make Berlin doubt that. “I know how much she cares about you.”

“Sure, she cares, but that doesn't mean she's all that much different than those idiots.” She motioned to the table next to them. “Everyone here hates the E-Rep. It's the one thing that unites people.”

“Berlin, she hired former soldiers and officers to work for her when the Earth Republic left town. She hired you. She's nothing like them.”

“Ok, maybe she doesn't want us dead, but I know she’s celebrating too. I know what’s putting that smile on her face even if she never says anything about it to me.”

Irisa leaned closer. “Berlin…” 

“You think I’m not used to this?” she snapped, pulling her hand away.

“It’s not about you,” Irisa calmly stated, relieved Berlin was finally showing some anger, a spark of her personality finally returning to her eyes. If Irisa wanted to throw a knife at those men, she knew Berlin must want to bash their heads against a wall. “It’s about the people who were corrupt, who manipulated the election and bought out Datak Tarr so they could take over this town. You were doing what you thought was right, what you thought would help people, and you’ve grown since then. That was years ago. It’s not personal.” 

Berlin laughed, shaking her head in frustration. “Of course it’s about me. Of course it’s personal. They all know I made the propaganda films they were inundated with. I’m sure they’d be all over me right now if they didn’t think the woman sitting next to me slit the throats of half the E-Rep herself. You're my get out harassment free card.” 

“You know I didn’t do half the stuff in that book.” Irisa looked down, feeling ashamed of herself. “And I didn't want to kill any of them.”

“I know. Look, I’m just going to go home,” Berlin said as she stood up from the table, suddenly refusing to make eye contact with Irisa. “Talk later, ok?”

“Of course,” Irisa replied, her words lingering in the air as Berlin rapidly turned away.

“Hey sweetheart,” one of the men slurred as Berlin passed his table. 

His friend slammed his drink down in disgust. “She’s E-Rep.”

“I bet I could show the naughty little traitor the light,” the slurring man responded, and Irisa reached for a knife. If they touched her, she wouldn't hesitate to use it.

“Save me a turn!” The men burst into laughter, but Berlin continued walking with her shoulders stiff and her head held high, pretending not to hear them.

As their laughter rang in Irisa's ears, she squeezed the knife so tightly in her hand that her knuckles were turning white, but she forced herself to believe she shouldn't pull her knives on a stranger in a restaurant, not if he didn't act on his words. She'd have to settle for the next best thing. As soon as she saw Berlin’s ponytail swish out the door, Irisa stood, grabbing a pitcher of water and threw it at the next table. 

“Oops,” Irisa said, turning away from them with a smile on her face. 

“Chupping Iraths!” one of the men shouted after her, but her smile only grew as she marched towards the exit.

\---

Two hours later, Irisa was aimlessly walking through the streets of Defiance, wondering how late Berlin intended “later” to be and if it was still too early to call her. Irisa didn't mind being alone when she felt like the world was out to get her. She found it comforting to escape from everyone, but Berlin wasn't like her. It wouldn't be good for Berlin to be alone with insults and threats echoing through her head. Irisa knew it would hurt her more to be alone.

The market was blaring cheerful songs and commentary from the radio, but as Irisa walked away from downtown, the sound was thankfully becoming faint. She could barely hear the announcer as he gleefully spoke. “It’s been three years since the fall of the E-Rep,” he said. “The whole town will be celebrating tonight! Don’t miss the biggest party of the year!”

He was right; everyone would be there. And Berlin was right that Amanda would be out celebrating with Irisa’s own father at her side. They’d get drunk and he’d come into work in the morning two hours late, but no one would care because the day after a holiday was as much a holiday as the day itself. Everyone in town would open their businesses two hours late, if they opened at all. 

There was nothing that united this town more than their freedom from the Earth Republic, and as much as Irisa understood why they were happy, she could never celebrate with them. She could never escape the guilt of having been used as a weapon to make this day possible.

Irisa kept walking in the direction of the arch, the sounds of the bustling town having faded into the comforting, non-judgemental sounds of nature. As the birds chirped, she looked up at the broken symbol of the old world. To some people, the new arch was a sign of resilience, of transformation and survival. It still represented their hope, but to Irisa, it was a sign that everything would be destroyed eventually. It wasn't the Gateway Arch, not anymore. It was something new built in the rubble of the old world, just like everything else in Defiance.

“You know, you could have called,” Berlin said. “I would have answered. You didn’t have to track me like a hellbug.” 

Irisa tore her eyes away from the arch to find Berlin sitting on the ground with her legs folded. 

“I didn’t know you were here, and honestly, sitting under the arch is the last place I would have expected to find you tonight.” 

“Why?” Berlin asked, seeming almost amused.

“It's such a symbol of this town. It's on all the flyers they're handing out tonight. I thought you would want to be anywhere else.”

“The E-Rep might be gone, but Defiance is still my home. This place is all I have now. I don’t want to be turned away because people here celebrate the destructruction of the organization that saved my life and gave me a purpose once upon a time.”

Irisa nodded, unsure of how to respond, unsure of how to feel.

“What are you doing here?” Berlin asked.

“I didn't know where to go. Didn't feel right to join the party.”

“Yeah,” Berlin said as she let out a breath. “It's a confusing day for you too isn't it?”

“I don't know what this day is supposed to mean to me,” Irisa said as she sat beside Berlin, their shoulders touching as they looked straight ahead. “Amanda's become a confident and capable mayor, my father is happier than he's ever been, and the town is free and thriving, but I killed people to make all of that happen. If I hadn't destroyed New York and closed the mines, would the Earth Republic still be here? Was our freedom worth their deaths? Most of them were just citizens. Some were just people doing their jobs.”

Berlin took a deep breath. “Some of them were my friends.”

“I know, and I'm sorry.”

“I thought you were done with the incessant apologizing,” Berlin nudged Irisa’s shoulder. “It was the machine, not you. We don't need to go there again, especially not today.”

Irisa nodded. “But if I go to that party tonight, they'll treat me like a hero, like I did it, not a machine.”

“They think you saved them from fascism.”

“By killing your friends.”

Berlin turned to look Irisa in the eyes. “There's no winning for us is there?”

“No.”

“The worst part is that I know they're right to celebrate tonight,” Berlin said. “They’re right to celebrate their freedom, and as conflicted as we may feel about how that freedom was won, it's our freedom too.”

“I know.”

“And if you hadn't run the Earth Republic out of town, maybe it would have been worse. This town would have fought back eventually. It could have been a bloody battle.”

“We'll never know what could have happened. I just have to live with what did happen.”

“You ever think about leaving?” Berlin asked, holding Irisa’s gaze. “Going somewhere the E-Rep never had power, somewhere they don't sell trashy novels about the Amazing Goddess… starting over?”

“I bought a land coach ticket a few years ago. If Nolan and I hadn't been forced to stay together by the ark tech in our heads, I would have left.”

“That was a long time ago.” Berlin linked her arm with Irisa’s and rested her head on her shoulder. “You're still here.”

“Nolan's my family even if we aren't forced to be together, and he's never leaving this town again, not permanently… at least not as long as Amanda's still here.” She paused, looking toward the center of her father’s town. “He calls Defiance home. We briefly lived in a few other towns when I was a kid, but he never called a single one of them home. He likes having a home, being able to return to the same bed every night, and chasing down criminals instead of hellbugs. He made his choice, and he chose Defiance.”

“But have you made your choice?”

“No,” Irisa said as she nuzzled her cheek in Berlin's hair.

“Me either,” Berlin said. “You know, I only took this job because I had nowhere else to go and Amanda needed me. I didn't even agree with Amanda on… well, almost anything, but I needed money and she was kind to me when few others were. But now years have gone by, and I don't know what I believe about anything. At least when I disagreed with her about everything, when I believed in the Earth Republic, I felt liked I understood the world. Now, sometimes, I feel like I don't understand much of anything and this town is marching forward without me. Even Poole says he's completely moved on from the Earth Republic.”

“Is he at the celebration?”

“Yeah, he says he doesn't feel conflicted because the E-Rep were corrupt. They gave him a life, but now he's got a better one working for Amanda. He can just forget everything he used to be. Sometimes I wish I could do that.”

“Me too,” Irisa said. “You think Amanda and Nolan still need us here?”

“They'd say they do.”

“But we all know they'd be fine if we left,” Irisa said with a hint of a smile playing at her lips. Years ago, it would have made her sad to know her father could go on without her, but now it felt right. Parents and children grew to have separate lives. It didn't mean they didn't still love each other.

“They'd miss us,” Berlin added.

“And we’d miss them.”

“But is that a good enough reason to stay?”

“I don't know.”

“I don't even know if anywhere else would be better than Defiance or if by leaving we would just be running into a worse future to escape dealing with our problems. Running from the past doesn't change it, nothing can.”

“But outside of Defiance, we could be anything. No one would know our pasts. No one would judge us for them.”

“We could start our own town, run it however we wanted. The laws wouldn't be based on Amanda's beliefs or the Earth Republic’s. It would be ours - our laws, our beliefs, our people.”

“But first we’d have to figure out what we believe.”

“That's easy,” Berlin said, laughing. “But it's not the night to leave town.”

“Think it ever will be?”

Berlin laughed again. “We're still here, aren't we? Even after we've been given so many reasons to leave, we’re still here.”

“We are.”

“I think it's the kind of night to sleep under the stars and feel smug tomorrow morning when we're the only two sober people in this town.”

“I think you're right.”

Berlin untied her hair, letting it flow freely as they lay back on the grass, their arms intertwined as they looked up at the arch. 

“Fireworks will be starting soon,” Irisa said. 

“Are we allowed to enjoy them or should we close our eyes and pretend they don't exist?” Berlin asked.

“I want to enjoy them. They may not be for us, but we can pretend they are for anything.”

“For the future.”

“Our future.”

“Which we will figure out someday.”

“Yeah.” Irisa smiled as the first firework shot into the sky. “Someday.”


End file.
